Dealing with dishonesty is tough and inevitable.

No matter how good we are to someone, it is always their choice whether they make themselves capable of being honest or not. It is also within our choice to believe whether someone is telling a truth or a lie. If you find yourself  trying to validate whether your partner or someone you are dealing with right now is being dishonest with you, try these tips:

Gather evidence

Before confronting someone, try to gather evidence to support your suspicions. This could involve things like receipts, messages, or witness testimonials. It is essential to get the facts and not only rely on hunches and intuition. Having the facts will also lessen the possibility of being manipulated in the long run.

Choose the right time and place

When you do confront the person, make sure it’s in a private, calm setting where you can both talk openly. This will help you to compose yourself and your thoughts first before jumping into conclusions. It is likely that one makes a wrong decision or say something inappropriate while in the heat of the moment. While this is easier said than done, some might opt to confront the person immediately if the reason of dishonesty is something that needs to be ironed out and mitigated to avoid further harm to both parties.

Be direct and honest

Express your disappointment and concerns in a clear and honest way. It pays to let the person know how you feel or how you see the dishonesty will affect you both in the long run. The message should be clear and both should be able to validate if the other understands what the other is trying to communicate. Listen with the intent to understand and not to be understood. Avoid accusatory language and focus on how their actions are affecting you. Being defensive is the most common defense mechanism of human beings when they feel accused, misunderstood and caught off guard.

Listen to their explanation

Give the person a chance to explain themselves. Try to understand their motives and see things from their perspective. Sometimes we tend to what we believe what we think is right. Listen to what the other person has to say and try to deduce whether what’s being said is aligned with what was done.

Decide how to move forward

Depending on the severity of the lie and your relationship with the person, you may need to decide whether you can rebuild trust or if it’s best to end the relationship. As they say, choosing a partner or letting a person to stay in your life is part of your life choices. If you decide to stay and rebuild the trust, try to create “action items” for each other as you discover what must have been done to avoid the white lies and whatnot and stand for what has been promised or communicated to improve the relationship.

Not everyone is capable of forgiving someone who lied to them, depending on its depth and how frequent it is done to the other. However, it is always a choice whether you decide to let it pass or decide to move on. Habitual lying is unacceptable but if the other person acknowledge what they did and is willing to change, then we can let them prove themselves. Remember, “Once is enough for a wise man.” and that “Once is a mistake, twice is a decision.” If it is not aligned with your values and relationship goals, charge it to experience and move on.